


Everything We Used To Have

by zams



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Glam Rock RPF, Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Glam Reverse Big Bang Challenge, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 03:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/743488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zams/pseuds/zams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Three years ago, Adam and Tommy amicably broke up so they could follow their dreams: Adam went off to NYC to pursue acting, while Tommy stayed behind in California so he could go back to college. They stay in light contact over the years, but it's not until Brad's wedding that they're finally reunited in person and everything changes when they're forced to reexamine their feelings for each other. They'll have to face not only their shared past, but also all the fears and insecurities they're each hiding before they can have a future.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything We Used To Have

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by **qafmaniac's** gorgeous and intense artwork, which can be viewed [here on DreamWidth](http://qafmaniac.dreamwidth.org/290140.html) or [here on LiveJournal](http://qafmaniac.livejournal.com/225161.html). ♥

*

Brad's wedding is going to be beautiful. Adam never had any doubt of that, though he's a little surprised it's not going to be an extravagant affair. Instead, everyone will gather in Brad and Steve's backyard for a small, intimate ceremony. The white chairs are already neatly lined up in two sections, rainbow flowers pinned to the aisle chairs that are strung together, and divided by a hot pink train that leads up to the wedding arch. It's such a curious mix of tradition and Brad that Adam has to smile as he looks out at the set-up from Brad's kitchen as he sips his morning coffee. 

His quiet morning is disrupted when he suddenly hears Brad call, "Adam!" and then Brad's pressed all up against him, Brad's arms easily sliding around Adam's shoulders. 

Adam smiles and lets Brad hang on him. It's been so long since Adam's seen Brad so happy, and it makes Adam happy, too. He shifts a bit so he can look at Brad. "You do know you're going to be beautiful walking down the aisle, don't you?"

"Of course I will be!" Brad says airily. "Why do you think I'm walking down it, anyway? I want everyone to see how absolutely gorgeous I am."

Adam laughs – modesty's never been one of Brad's strong suits, but somehow Brad's only endearing when he's preening. "Are you nervous yet?"

"Nope!" Brad chirps. "I can't wait to marry Steve. He'll be all mine soon."

"I think he already is," Adam says as a fleeting moment of jealously rushes through him and takes him aback. Those moments have become worryingly common in the week Adam's been staying with Brad and Steve – he only lives forty five minutes away, but Brad says that was too far, that he needed Adam here with him constantly. There was a time Adam thought he'd be saying the very same thing about someone, but life got in the way, and he's finding that seeing them so loving and sweet with each other is making Adam wish for things that are no longer his. He forces the thoughts away – it's Brad's time, not time for Adam to take a trip down memory lane, even if he's going to have to face those memories very soon.

Brad's expression goes all soft and dreamy, and he smiles. "Yeah, he is mine, isn't he?"

"All yours."

Brad and Adam both turn hearing the quiet words, seeing Steve standing in the doorway with a sappy expression on his face that matches Brad's perfectly. Brad immediately deserts him for Steve, jumping in Steve's arms so he can wrap his arms and legs around him. Steve easily supports Brad, those muscles definitely not just for show, not looking upset at all by having Brad plastered to him. Brad doesn't put his feet back on the ground until he's thoroughly kissed Steve and Adam's a little warm under the collar. There's no denying Brad's beautiful and Steve's not hard on the eyes either.

"Are you ready to go?" Steve asks Brad once Brad lets Steve have his mouth back. He trails his fingers over Brad's jaw, the touch clearly tender even from a distance.

Brad nods, giving Steve another kiss before facing Adam again. "We have a last minute appointment with the photographer," Brad explains. "So we'll be gone awhile."

Adam shrugs and finishes his coffee. "That's fine. I'll just hang out here."

"Maybe you could join us for lunch," Steve says. 

Steve takes Brad's hand and tangles their fingers, and again wistfulness goes through Adam. It's such a small thing, but it still fills Adam with longing. "Sure." Adam smiles, and if it's a little strained, Brad and Steve don't comment.

*

Adam's just buttoned his jeans and pulled his shirt on when someone knocks on the door. Adam has no idea who it could be. Brad didn't mention that anyone would be coming over, and he hesitates, not sure if he should answer it. The person knocks again and Adam decides he better see who it is; maybe Brad just forgot to tell him someone was supposed to stop by. 

When Adam opens the door, he forgets to breathe. Tommy. It's Tommy standing there on Brad's porch, just inches away from Adam, as beautiful as Adam remembers. Three years. It's been three years since Adam's seen Tommy in person, and right now Adam can't decide if it feels as if it's been forever or just yesterday. Adam just stares, taking in the sight of Tommy actually in front of him, all kinds of incoherent and rambling thoughts racing through his mind. Adam knew Tommy was coming to Brad's wedding, but Brad told him Tommy could only come the wedding day for some reason Adam didn't know, so what's Tommy doing here early when Adam is so not ready to face him?

"Adam? Can I come in?" Tommy asks, and hearing his name from Tommy's lips makes such a sudden surge of longing go through him that it makes Adam's breath come short. 

Adam blinks, shaking his head as he realizes he's just been silently staring at Tommy for who knows how long. He steps aside so Tommy can come in, and he shuts the door behind Tommy, heart racing and feeling jittery.

There's a lazy smile on Tommy's face, a pair of sunglasses perched on his head, which is still half-shaved. Hardly a thing about him has changed in three years and it's almost enough to make Adam think that their break-up and separation never happened, that they're still so young and in love and happy. 

"You, you look good," Tommy says quietly, and Adam swallows past a dry throat and finally manages to find his voice.

"You do, too," Adam says, even though the words feel too simple and inadequate. 

It's more awkward than Adam thinks it should be. It's not like they haven't kept in touch over the years with emails and texts, but this is different – Adam doesn't know what to say. And the fact that Tommy's clearly not surprised by meeting Adam here isn't helping. Brad probably told Tommy that Adam would be here, but Brad _conveniently_ forgot to tell Adam that Tommy was coming. 

"Brad didn't tell you I was coming, did he?" Tommy suddenly says, and Adam flushes, rubbing the back of his neck.

"No." Adam's eyes drop away. It hurts to look at Tommy, all his memories and regrets already too close to the surface since Brad told him he was getting married. All he can think is how they thought it was the right thing to go was break up. And maybe it was, but Adam still wonders what if.

"Adam," Tommy says softly, and he doesn't want to, but Adam meets Tommy's eyes. "It's just me. I know it's been a long time, but I'd hoped that we were still friends. Are we?"

"Yes." It's the only answer Adam can give. "But…"

Adam trails off, unable to find the words he wants to say. What can he really say? _But it's not that simple? But seeing you again is making me feel things I thought I put behind me? But all I can think of is how much I want you?_

He can't say any of those things. It wouldn’t be fair to put the burden of Adam's conflicting feelings on Tommy's shoulders. Tommy may not even have feelings for him anymore. Three years is a long time to be apart.

"Adam," Tommy says again. "I missed you."

The words are quiet and heartfelt, and they cut Adam to the quick. All the confusion and anxiety fades away, pushed to the back of Adam's mind as Tommy takes a step toward him and Adam opens his arms so Tommy can burrow into them. 

The sensation of having Tommy in his arms again, warm and solid and _here_ is almost too much for Adam to bear. He completely relaxes, all his tension draining away as he exhales, and Tommy's hands fist into his shirt as Tommy holds on.

Adam can't give this up again; he can't go another three years without seeing Tommy. They were so close for so long, even before their friendship deepened into romance, and right now Adam can't believe he managed being away from Tommy so long. It’s too soon to know whether they can ever be together again, but Adam really wants to try. 

Adam tightens his embrace and puts his mouth near Tommy's ear. "I missed you, too."

*

They stay like that for a while - just holding each other - and when Tommy eventually draws back and ends the embrace, there's a tender expression in his eyes that momentarily catapults Adam back into the past. Adam wonders what Tommy's thinking. Tommy stares at him, searching his face, and for a few seconds - for just the briefest moment - Adam's sure that Tommy is going to close the distance between them and kiss him. But then Tommy steps away, ending whatever moment just passed between them, and Adam's left with an echo of wistful longing.

"So," Tommy says, smiling. "How are you? It's been a few months since you emailed me."

There's no censure in Tommy's tone, but his words still make Adam feel guilty. Adam didn't mean to ignore Tommy, but that was right after Steve proposed to Brad and Brad went into immediate major wedding planning mode. Brad had his heart set on a late summer wedding, and so he wasn't going to let a silly thing like only four months planning time stop him, or wait over a year to marry Steve. It's amazing what you can get done when you have a lot of money, and Steve had both that and the compulsion to do anything to make Brad happy in spades. And so Adam was sucked right into the planning along with Brad, and it wasn't long before a melancholy settled on Adam's mood as thoughts of Tommy inevitably bombarded Adam. Adam tried to hide it from Brad because Adam didn't want to spoil Brad's elation (though Adam has the suspicion that Brad knew all along), and the last thing he wanted to do was email Tommy when his emotions were so out of whack.

"Adam?"

Adam starts, coming out of his memories. He manages to give Tommy a ghost of a smile. "Better now," he says quietly, and something passes over Tommy's face, an expression that Adam can't identify. Again, Adam wonders what's going on in Tommy's mind. Is Tommy feeling as off-balance at their meeting as Adam is? Is Tommy remembering their past and how happy they used to be?

Adam clears his throat. He's not ready to address all that right now, though it's already clear that he will have to at some point, no matter how awkward or painful that discussion may end up being. "You want some coffee? Brad's got some fancy espresso maker, so it won't be sludge. I remember how picky you can be about your coffee."

Tommy grins, visibly perking up at the mention of coffee, and it makes Adam smile to see it.

"You just don't appreciate good coffee," Tommy teases as he follows Adam further into the house and then into the kitchen.

Adam laughs and rolls his eyes as Tommy immediately rushes to the espresso maker and easily sets to work making something much more complicated than Adam would have managed. When Tommy sits down at the table a few minutes later with his hands wrapped snugly around a steaming mug and a blissful expression on his face, Adam's still doesn't know where to start.

"The backyard looks beautiful," Tommy comments, looking over Adam's shoulder.

"Yeah," Adam agrees. He knows he sounds wistful, but he can't help it. "Hopefully the weather will hold, and Brad will have a blue sky and a warm breeze for his wedding."

Tommy takes a sip of his coffee. He looks thoughtful. "What's this Steve guy like? I haven't kept in touch with Brad as much as I have you. Have they been together long?"

"Over a year, and Steve is... well, Steve's wrapped around Brad's finger-,"

"Not surprising," Tommy cuts in, sounding amused.

Adam chuckles. "Yeah, but Steve's good for Brad's stability. You know how Brad is: hyperactive, excitable, always going in a million different directions. Steve's not like that. I don't know if I've ever met someone as levelheaded and calm as Steve is. And Brad's good for Steve, too. Brad helps keep him from taking everything so seriously, helps lighten him up. And if you saw how sweet and adorable they are with each other, you'd know how much they love one another, or at least you'd realize that after you'd thrown up."

Tommy smiles. "Sounds like they're a good match then."

"I think so," Adam says, and he can't help but start thinking about what a good match he and Tommy used to be. There was hardly a time during their relationship when Adam didn't have the idea that they'd get married someday and be together forever in the back of his mind.

Adam clears his throat when the silence stretches on and Tommy's expression turns contemplative. Adam's not ready to go there. "So what have you been doing the past few months? I was wrangled into wedding planning, and that's all I've been doing."

"Oh, I'm sure you have plenty of stories about that that I'd love to hear." Tommy smirks and leans forward like he wants Adam to tell him some now. 

"Maybe later. I want to hear about _you_ ," Adam says, and he hopes that the words didn't come out as tender as they were in his mind.

Tommy takes another sip of his coffee. "Well, I finally graduated college-,"

"What?" Adam has to interrupt because he had no idea Tommy was finishing up his degree. Adam would have come to the commencement, he knows, even if it had been awkward. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Tommy shrugs, but he does look a little sheepish. "I only told my parents and sister. It wasn't a big deal."

Adam rolls his eyes at the typical Tommy answer. "It was a big deal, and I would have been there."

"You would have?" Tommy asks and there's a strange note to his voice, something low and almost warm that makes Adam's heart rate spike, and the way Tommy's looking at him so steadily and focused doesn't help Adam maintain his equilibrium. 

Adam tries to find the right words to say to avoid everything he doesn't want to talk about. "Yes," he says eventually and then quickly changes the subject. "Have you found a job then?"

For a moment, Adam's not sure Tommy's going to let him get away with the blatant evasion – Tommy rarely let him shy away from anything when they were together – but then Tommy finally breaks the eye contact that was making Adam want to fidget and says, "Not yet. I have some prospects." He pauses. "It depends on how some things work out."

That's a relatively vague response, and Adam gets the feeling that Tommy's not telling him everything. Still, it's not his business, so Adam's not going to push. 

"I'm… I'm glad you're here, Tommy," Adam finds himself saying. 

Tommy just stares for a few seconds and then he smiles, his smile the one Tommy used to give him years ago that made Adam's stomach all fluttery. 

"I'm glad I'm here, too," Tommy says. He reaches across the table to take Adam's hand in his own, tangling their fingers, and that's when Adam absolutely knows that seeing Tommy again is going to change everything.

*

An hour later and they're still talking, the conversation thankfully having been steered in a less dangerous direction a while ago, and it's only when Brad texts Adam about lunch that Adam realizes just how much time has passed. Brad, of course, knew Tommy would be there by now, and cheerfully tells Adam to bring him along, ignoring Adam's reproach for not telling him. Adam grumbles a bit, but he's sure both Brad and Tommy know it's just for show. 

They meet Brad and Steve at one of Brad's favorite bistros, and lunch is enjoyable, the conversation easy as Tommy and Steve quickly take to one another. It's so effortless for Adam to imagine that this is just an ordinary day, that he and Tommy are a couple and meeting Brad and Steve for a double lunch date. It's relaxing and comfortable and _right_ , and Adam doesn't want it to end. But all too soon, their plates are being cleared away, and before Adam can decide if he's ready to spend even more time with Tommy, or if he needs some time alone to sort out his thoughts, Tommy excuses himself, saying he has to leave to meet a friend from college who has already moved to New York. It sends reality crashed back down on Adam; Tommy wasn't his, he isn't Tommy's, and they have three years of distance to overcome between them and no resolution in sight.

By the time he, Brad, and Steve are back at their house, any anger Adam was still holding onto over Brad not telling him Tommy was coming is gone. He's more contemplative than anything, thoughts racing with all kinds of thoughts Adam didn't let himself think these past three years. Seeing Tommy again threw Adam off balance just as he knew it would, and as much as Adam tried to prepare himself for it, he now knows there was no way he could have really prepared for their first meeting in over three years. It just brought up feelings that Adam thought had disappeared years ago. Everything is even more confusing now, and Adam doesn't know how to even begin sorting through all his conflicting emotions. A lot is going to depend on Tommy and what he wants, and there are also practical matters that will need to be discussed, if they even get to the point where they have that particular discussion. There's so much unsaid between them, so much uncertainty that there's no way to predict the outcome of their reunion, and Adam will drive himself up the wall if he lets his emotions run away with him, if he lets himself overthink and overanalyze every word Tommy.

It's easier said than done, and with all the stress from that piled on top of all the stress of the wedding planning, Adam's getting closer to his breaking point, and he doesn't really have time to think about Tommy the rest of the day, not in detail anyway, because of all the last minute wedding things he has to do, check, and re-check. And so when Adam crawls into bed that night, emotionally drained, not even his chaotic thoughts can keep him awake, but he won't be surprised if he dreams of Tommy, of his smile and his voice, taunted with what might have been.

*

Brad wakes him up at the ass crack of dawn the next day. He's already bright-eyed and cheerful at seven in the morning, getting into the bed with Adam and snuggling into his side. Adam just yawns and throws an arm over his eyes to block out the sun.

"C'mon!" Brad says, wiggling. "It's time for you to make me beautiful."

"You're always beautiful," Adam answers immediately, complimenting Brad as easily as breathing after having done it for so long.

Brad lays his head on Adam's shoulder. "I am, aren't I?" he says without any modesty at all. "Then you need to make me more beautiful. I don't want Steve to be able to take his eyes off me."

"Like he ever does anyway," Adam says. Adam's not sure if he's ever seen someone so besotted before. It's just sweet and romantic enough to make Adam wistful. Yawning again, Adam sits up, trying to wake up. It's going to be a long day, especially considering Adam's sleep wasn't as restful as he would have liked because he dreamt of Tommy as he feared he would, dreamt of when they were happy together, so happy and in love. Adam didn't know dreams could be so cruel before last night.

Brad sits up, too, and hums happily. "I love him," he says simply, and Adam supposes that’s the only thing that matters. 

"Shower," Adam says, determined to force any negative thoughts and feelings caused by his dreams away. He won't be the one to ruin Brad's wedding day. "While I eat. And then I'll pretty you up for your man."

Brad must somehow pick up on the longing in Adam's voice because he quietly says, "I love you, too, Adam," and leans over so he can peck Adam on the cheek. He gets up and disappears down the hall before Adam can do more than blink.

Adam sighs, standing up and running his fingers through his hair. He thought he was content enough with life, if not pretty happy, but Brad getting married and Tommy's subsequent re-entrance into his life just proved how lonely he is, how much Adam doesn't want to be alone anymore. It's almost too much to hope for that somehow he and Tommy will be able to reconnect and start again. It's difficult to see how it could happen if they decided to try again, though, not without sacrifice on one of their parts; Tommy still lives in California, and Adam really doesn't want to leave his job, especially after his promotion two months ago to full ensemble member.

Brad belting out in song in the shower jerks Adam from his depressing thoughts, and he heads downstairs to the kitchen. They don't really have much time since Brad insisted on a mid-day ceremony, but Adam decides that Brad deserves a hot breakfast and he quickly whips up some pancake batter, using the recipe his mother gave him years ago that he memorized.

Brad made Steve go to his friend Tony's house to spend the night, because Brad decided it would be romantic if they were apart the night before so that their wedding night would be more poignant. Steve didn't even put up a token resistance, which just went to show how well he knows Brad and how tightly he's wrapped around Brad's finger, and with a sweet kiss and a whispered "I love you," Steve left after dinner.

"Pancakes!" Brad suddenly yells from behind him, and Adam nearly curses from the unexpectedness.

Checking the clock, Adam's surprised to see it's already been a half hour. He turns around and smiles at Brad, who's wrapped in a fluffy bright pink robe and barefoot. He plops down in a chair and Adam sets a plate of fresh pancakes down in front of him.

"Chocolate chips too?" Brad says, looking up at Adam and batting his eyelashes exaggeratedly. "You shouldn't have."

"Just eat your pancakes," Adam says, which only makes Brad grin. It's always a risk when Adam's sweet to Brad - Brad sucks up the attention like a sponge - but Adam wants Brad to have the perfect wedding day. As Adam's eating his own pancakes, he can't help but watch Brad devour all three of the large pancakes Adam made for him, making pleasured noises that would probably have Steve dragging Brad off to their bedroom if he were here to hear them. Typical Brad dramatics, even if Adam's amused.

"Good?" Adam asks when Brad's finished and leans back in his chair, patting his belly through his robe. 

"Delicious." Brad dips a finger in the leftover syrup and sucks it off, moaning. 

"I'm not Steve," Adam says flatly, getting both their plates and putting them in the sink to soak. "I don't need to see or hear that."

"You love it. Now c'mon!" Brad grabs Adam's hand and starts tugging. "You need to do my nails."

A couple minutes later, they're settled in Brad's bedroom at his vanity, Adam filing Brad's nails. Adam's always found the process of doing his own or someone else's nails relaxing, and so when Brad quietly says, "You still love him," Adam's head jerks up sharply.

"You do," Brad says before Adam can respond, and Adam just swallows, looking away. 

"Doesn't matter," Adam mumbles before going back to Brad's nails, grabbing a cloth to clean them.

"How does it not matter? He loves you, too."

Adam keeps his eyes resolutely on Brad's hands; he doesn't want Brad to see how much he's affected by this conversation. "You don't know that," he eventually says. "And it's your wedding day. We shouldn't be talking about this."

Adam puts the cloth down and reaches for the top coat, but Brad grabs his hand before Adam can. "I know that because I have eyes," Brad says. "And it _is_ my wedding day, so I can talk about whatever I want."

Adam recognizes the stubborn tone, and sighs, lifting his head. "Brad, please. I don't want to talk about this now."

Brad stares at him a moment. "So when? You don't have a lot of time - he's leaving tomorrow. And I swear to god, Adam, if you let him leave again, you don't want to know what I'm going to do to you. But it'll hurt."

This time Brad lets him grab the top coat. "I will," Adam says once he's finished one hand. "I have to. I've been thinking about it since the instant I saw him standing on your porch. There," he says, studying his handiwork. "Pretty and shiny. Just like you."

Brad laughs and holds up his hand, scrutinizing his nails. "It'll do."

Adam knows Brad's teasing, but he says, "I don't know why I put up with you."

"Because I'm irresistible," Brad says, and Adam just rolls his eyes, standing up.

"At least Steve's going to be the one putting up with you most of the time soon. Do you want me to do your make-up now?"

"I want you to be happy, Adam," Brad says instead, and Adam knew it was too much to hope for that Brad would let this go so easily. 

"Brad..."

"I want you to be happy," Brad says again. "And Tommy's the one who will make you happy. Maybe it was the wrong time before, I don't know, but I do know that letting him go again is a mistake. You mess this chance up and you won't get another one."

Brad leans up on his toes and places a light kiss on Adam's mouth. "You can be happy," he whispers, and Adam has to close his eyes from the rush of emotion. He wants it, wants to be happy with Tommy. Brad might not know, but Adam knows they did have to break-up three years ago - they both needed it so they could be selfish for a while, accomplish some of their goals, not be so dependent on one another. But now Adam needs Tommy back; being apart, their only contact the odd email or phone call every month, is not an option anymore; it's not enough.

"I know," Adam says, and when he looks at Brad, Brad's smiling.

"Good. And besides," he says, waving a hand, "Steve really liked Tommy, and I miss him, too. I want to double date."

Brad's always been able to lighten the mood, and Adam chuckles. "Sure, we'll double date."

"I'm glad you see things my way," Brad says haughtily. "And now make-up."

*

Brad doesn’t bring Tommy up again the rest of the morning, for which Adam is thankful. He already has plenty to think and worry about without Brad adding on to it. By nine, Brad is dressed and beautiful, nearly vibrating with excitement, and Adam's finally able to get his own shower. He's not overly surprised to find Brad wrapped up in Steve's arms once he comes downstairs when he's dressed. Brad may have wanted to sleep apart, but there was no way Brad would have been able to wait until the actual wedding to see Steve. 

Wanting to give them some privacy, Adam checks on the back yard to make sure everything's still perfect, and then the rest of the morning passes in a blur with the caterer, musicians, justice of the peace, and photographer arriving and Adam making sure they're all prepared. Adam doesn't even get to take more than a few calming breaths because the guests starting arriving, and everything devolves into chaos, at least it feels that way to Adam.

By the time everyone is seated in the backyard and the first chords of the wedding march that Brad insisted on are playing, Adam's ready for a drink. He was too busy to speak more than a few passing words to Tommy, but Adam's been hyper aware of Tommy's presence on his periphery. Brad struts down the aisle, confident and assured like it's a runway, and Steve waits for him at the end with such a loving expression on his face that it almost feels like Adam's barging in on an intimate moment. The ceremony itself isn't long as it isn’t a religious service, and Adam's not too proud to admit that he had to blink back tears hearing Brad's declaration of love and devotion, and Steve's answering promise. It was thoroughly by Adam's sheer force of will that he didn't look over at Tommy during the ceremony, and thank god he didn't because he's sure Tommy would have been able to read everything Adam wasn't ready to say on his face. But Adam can't lie to himself: when Brad and Steve said _I do_ and sealed their vow with a kiss, Tommy was all he was thinking of. He wants Tommy back in his life, in his arms, and in his bed, and there has to be some way Adam can make sure it happens.

*

Over the next few hours, Adam tries to prepare himself, mentally and emotionally, for the inevitable conversation with Tommy that will either fulfill all the dreams Adam didn’t realize he's still holding onto, or destroy them for good. 

He thinks about how he can possibly find the words to tell Tommy how much Adam still cares for him while he's posing for pictures with Brad and Steve. 

He thinks about how he can possibly find the words to ask Tommy if any of his love has survived the past three years while Adam's sitting next to Tommy and eating the delicious dinner that Adam barely tastes. 

He thinks about how he can possibly find the words to plead for a promise that Tommy won't get on a plane to California and leave him again while Adam's giving his best man speech as Brad and Steve sway on the dance floor.

But even after all that, when all the official ceremonies are over and everyone's dancing and drinking, Brad and Steve mingling, every time Adam looks at Tommy, his mind blanks and longing fills him. It's hard to look at Tommy. He's so beautiful, so heartbreakingly beautiful in his casual suit, and Adam wants nothing more than to cross the yard to where Tommy's standing talking with Steve's friend Tony and pull him into a kiss, rediscovering Tommy's taste.

But it's not that simple, and Adam turns away. Why is this so difficult? It's just Tommy, so what does Adam have to fear? At this rate, Adam's going to wait and wait, held back by his insecurities, and then it will be too late, and how will Adam deal with that, with knowing that he's alone because he was too much of a coward to go after what he wants?

"You're not ignoring me, are you?"

Adam tenses as Tommy's voice comes from right next to him. Apparently Tommy got tired of waiting for Adam to make the first move. Adam slowly turns to face Tommy, and seeing the completely non-accusing expression on Tommy's face, one that says he understands why Adam has been, means that Adam can't lie to him.

"Kind of," Adam answers, hoping that he won't flush at the admission. 

Tommy's expression doesn’t change. "Are you remembering?" he asks quietly, and the question makes Adam's heart rate spike. This is the first time Tommy's addressed their past so directly – in all the time they were together yesterday, Adam was never able to discern if Tommy's been as stuck in their past as Adam is since they were reunited. It was clear by the end of the day that Tommy at least wanted Adam more fully in his life again as a friend, but as to more, Adam wasn't sure and still isn't.

"It makes me remember," Tommy admits when Adam fails to respond. "And wonder. You know, about what might have been."

Adam's hands flex restlessly, anxiousness building as Tommy seems determined to confront the unacknowledged tension and confusion between them head on, unlike Adam. Every heavy beat of his heart is more painful than the last, his mind racing with incoherent thoughts so fast that Adam can't latch onto a single one of them. There's so much he wants to say, so much he has buried inside that is pushing to be released now that Tommy's back in his life, but words are elusive, just out of his reach.

"Tommy." Adam has to clear his throat before he can continue. "I…" The words won't come, and Adam's disgusted with himself.

Tommy smiles, and Adam thinks it's sad. "They're happy," Tommy says, abruptly changing the subject as he inclines his head and throws a quick glance over to Brad and Steve, who are dancing again, intimately entwined, completely absorbed in one another, and radiating consuming love. "I can feel it. They'll make it."

Adam can barely listen to this, every word from Tommy like a punch to the gut and proof of Adam's failure. It's too painful to wonder how his life would be different at this very moment if he and Tommy never decided breaking up was the right path, to go their separate ways.

 _And us?_ Adam wants to ask, the impulsive question burning on the tip of his tongue. He bites his lip to hard he wonders how he doesn't draw blood. _Could we be like that, could that be us someday? Or is it too late?_

"I think they will, too," Adam somehow manages to force out, and it's unbelievable that Adam doesn’t fall to his knees at the flash of disappointment on Tommy's face at Adam's response.

"Adam."

Adam winces as all the incredible sadness and longing in the raw whisper of his name wraps around his heart like a vice and squeezes, making it difficult to draw his next breath.

"Dance with me," Adam blurts out, and Tommy's startled, eyes widening a bit and brows pinching. "Dance with me," Adam says again, holding out a hand. "Please."

For an endless, agonizing moment, Tommy doesn’t do anything, just staring at Adam's offered hand, and Adam rashly thinks that this is it, that there really isn't any hope for them, when Tommy quietly says, "Okay," and puts his hand in Adam's.

Some of the tension bleeds out of Adam with his next exhale, and he immediately tangles their fingers together, Tommy's hand a warm and comforting anchor. Adam guides them to the dance floor and encourages Tommy to press close, to put his arms around Adam even as Adam puts his own around Tommy's waist. Tommy stares up at him, and, eyes locked, Tommy slowly curls his arms around Adam's shoulders and steps forward, putting their bodies flush together. 

Adam could cry from how good, how _perfect_ it feels to have Tommy in his embrace like this again. He never wants to let go. A burst of humbling love erupts from his heart when Tommy relaxes against him, moving with Adam as they sway to the music and laying his head on Adam's shoulder, and a sense of calmness that Adam hasn't felt in too long to remember overcomes him. This is the way it's supposed to be, and Adam's not going to let his fears paralyze him into inaction anymore. No matter what Adam has to do – if he has to beg, plead, leave his job and move back to California in order to be with Tommy – he'll do it.

Tommy's hair tickles his nose, and it's so soft that Adam has to touch it. He raises a hand so he can pet the back of Tommy's head, smoothing his hair. Tommy jerks a little in his arms, but a moment later, Adam feels more than a hears Tommy's sigh against his neck, and Tommy leans more fully against him. Being so close, Tommy must be able to hear the pounding of Adam's heart, and Adam wonders if Tommy's experiencing the same rush of emotion, the same sense of wonder, the same desire to have it never end. 

Adam needs to see his face. Pushing his hand under Tommy's hair, Adam lightly grips the back of his neck, stroking over the soft skin. "Tommy."

Slowly as if he's hesitant, Tommy lifts his head and meets Adam's eyes, and as soon as he does, Adam knows he's going to kiss Tommy. All he can do is hope that Tommy accepts it, wants it as much as he does. And so, heart in his throat, palms itching, and mouth dry, Adam leans forward, and he can see the exact moment when Tommy registers Adam's intent. He doesn't immediately push Adam away as Adam half-feared, but instead licks his lips and tilts his head up.

It's all the invitation Adam needs to close the rest of the distance between them, and everything around them, all the music and chatter, fades away into nothingness as Adam's entire world focuses on Tommy and Tommy's lips on his own after three years of separation. For a moment, their lips are simply pressed together, but then Tommy's lips start to move over Adam's, a little unsure, but quickly gaining confidence. It's like their first kiss all over again – Adam anxious and nervous, but so excited and thrilled at finally knowing what Tommy tastes like. And then Tommy's tongue is pushing insistently into Adam's mouth, and Adam's brain short-circuits at the spark of desperate hunger than ravages him. His restraint snaps and he hauls Tommy to his chest, as close as possible without hurting him, and Adam tries to take control, matching Tommy's enthusiasm and pushing back, challenging for more. It's like Adam's burning inside from the heat, the passion Tommy's showing, and Adam's not sure how much more he can take before he drags Tommy somewhere private. Tommy's always been able to invoke this kind of response in him, make Adam forget about everything except him.

But as quickly as the passion ignited and burned bright, it dies, and Tommy's pushing at Adam's chest, pushing Adam away. The surprise of it makes Adam let go, and Tommy jumps back, staring at Adam with wide-eyes, flushed cheeks, and disheveled hair, shock, confusion, and arousal all clearly visible in his expression. 

Adam reaches out a hand. "Tommy," he says, his voice huskier than he was expecting. "Please. I want you."

It's not exactly what Adam wants to say, but it's true enough; dropping _I love you_ right now would only make things worse.

"Adam, I…" Tommy seems at a loss for words, rare for him. Adam's always envied Tommy's ability to remain calm and laid-back even under high pressure, but Adam supposes this isn't the usual kind of pressure.

Tommy shakes his head and takes a step back. He touches his lips lightly, still staring at Adam. "I… No," he says, and then to Adam's astonishment, Tommy turns around and all but runs into the house. Adam's so shocked by the uncharacteristic behavior that he can only watch Tommy disappear inside.

Adam doesn't understand. Tommy was as into the kiss as Adam was, and Adam would have never kissed Tommy without some form of permission, which Tommy gave. Did Adam read the situation wrong? Tommy seemed so sad, so nostalgic, telling Adam that he was remembering their past just like Adam was. Adam thought that meant Tommy still had feelings for him, or at least that Tommy didn't want to spend another three years apart. Adam thought that maybe Tommy wanted to try again.

"He's scared."

Adam whips around to see Brad standing next to him, and Adam's a little surprised that he's alone.

"I saw you kissing," Brad says simply. "And I saw him run off, too. He's scared, just like you were."

Adam frowns, suddenly feeling weary. He's had so much excitement and stress, worry and anxiety the past week between planning Brad's wedding and dealing with his roller-coaster emotions from being reunited with Tommy that it's amazing that Adam hasn't crashed yet.

"What am I supposed to do, Brad?" Adam says, sighing.

"Let him go for now. He's not going anywhere tonight – Steve pocketed everyone's keys, remember? So give him time, and then tomorrow you can confront him."

Some people may be surprised by it, but Brad gives good advice. Adam relies on him for a lot. "Thanks," he says and gives Brad a hug, taking some comfort from the contact.

Brad is smiling a little when Adam lets him go. "Don't worry, Adam," he says. "Everything will be okay."

As Adam stares at the house, already missing Tommy, he wishes he had Brad's confidence.

*

Adam doesn't sleep much that night, not that he was expecting to after that dance and kiss with Tommy. He just lies in bed, staring up at the ceiling as he thinks about everything that's happened the past couple days, about everything he definitely wants to tell Tommy before Tommy makes a decision, about how his life could change so drastically in just a few hours, and dozes off occasionally, only to wake up again, Tommy still on his mind.

When the sun starts peeking above the horizon, Adam drags himself out of bed and into the adjoining bathroom. No matter what happens when he and Tommy talk, Adam wants to be clean. Fifteen minutes later, Adam's heading downstairs and into the kitchen. If Tommy's awake and hasn’t decided to hide in his room, he'll be there, trying to drink Brad and Steve out of their coffee. And sure enough, Tommy's in the kitchen, sitting at the island with a large mug in front of him. A quick glance at the damp hair and dark circles under Tommy's eyes tells Adam that Tommy showered, too and didn't sleep much, either.

Tommy watches silently as Adam comes closer and sits down across from him. It's still early, and right now they'll have as much privacy for this conversation as they will get – Brad and Steve have already left for their whirlwind honeymoon across Europe for three weeks and then a week on the beach in Hawaii, and all the other guests are still sleeping in the various guest rooms.

Strangely, all Adam's nervous have vanished, and the only things he's feeling are determination and anticipation. Adam can't bear to contemplate Tommy rejecting him – they loved each other too much for those feelings to disappear, even three years later, right? Adam has to hold onto that hope.

"We need to talk," Adam says to break the silence. 

"Yeah," Tommy agrees quietly, eyes dropping to his coffee mug. "Look, Adam. The kiss was a mistake. We shouldn't have-,"

"What?" Adam can't believe he's hearing this. It sounds rehearsed, half-hearted, forced, or maybe that's just Adam's mind playing tricks on him.

Tommy looks startled by Adam's vehement response, and Adam stands up, going around the island and turning Tommy's stool so that Tommy's facing him. 

"Why are you saying those things?" Adam demands. "It wasn't a mistake. It was perfect."

"Adam…" Tommy shakes his head, and the sadness in his eyes, the regret hurts Adam more than he would have thought possible. "We can't. I thought maybe, but no."

Adam makes a low noise of frustration in the back of his throat at the vague answer. "Yes, we can," Adam insists. "You felt it last night, too, the passion, the rightness when we're together. I know you have. You must have."

Adam knows he must sound desperate already, on the verge of breaking down, but the prospect of losing Tommy again without even really having him is too much for Adam to take. This can't be happening.

"We're not the same anymore, Adam," Tommy says. "We can't just go back to how things used to be. How we used to be."

"I don't want to do that." Adam takes comfort from the fact that Tommy's not pushing him away. "We can be better, Tommy. When we kissed last night, I didn't want to stop. I loved you so much, and I still love you."

Adam can see how his words are affecting Tommy, his longing clear in his eyes, and it boosts his courage. He reaches up so he can cradle Tommy's face in his hands. "Don't give up on us, Tommy, not yet."

Brad's words about Tommy being scared come back to him. "I'm scared, too," he says, forcing the words past a dry throat. "About fucking this up. It's been three years, and I wasn't sure if there was any way we could find our way back to each other. But that kiss, Tommy, that kiss proved to me that the only thing I would regret would be letting you leave and go back to California without me."

Tommy bites his lip, looking torn. Adam strokes his thumbs over Tommy's cheeks and leans closer. "Don't leave me, not again."

The words are breathed over Tommy's lips, and Tommy lets out a ragged breath. "I… don't want to," Tommy says haltingly as if they were ripped from his throat.

Adam doesn't let Tommy look away, and Adam's blood rushes through his ears hearing Tommy's declaration. "Then don't," he whispers, brushing his lips over Tommy's. "We can figure out everything later. Just tell me you want to be with me, that you want to try again; that's all that matters."

"…Yes."

That quiet, barely audible, but heartbreakingly sincere affirmation snaps something inside Adam, something that was wound up tight and made Adam feel suffocated, and only a moment later, Tommy's surging forward against Adam's chest, warm and solid. It’s the most natural thing in the world to wrap his arms around Tommy as Tommy's goes around his shoulders, and then they're kissing again, much more desperate and messy than last night. Adam's hands roam over Tommy's back and sides freely, relearning the planes and curves that he used to know so intimately. Tommy rubs against him, already so insistent, restraint seemingly gone, and Adam groans into Tommy's mouth, pushing back.

Tommy suddenly breaks the kiss, sucking in air, and Adam vaguely becomes aware of him saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Adam doesn’t know what he's apologizing for, but it doesn't matter, and Adam tries to calm him, whispering words of comfort in his ear. Tommy clutches at Adam's shoulders so tight that it's like he's trying to climb inside Adam.

"I didn't want to say those things," Tommy says achingly. "I missed you so much, Adam, when we were apart. And seeing you again was just too much. I thought I could just be your friend because that's all you seemed to want, but when you kissed me last night, I knew there was no way I'd ever be able to just be your friend. I thought you didn't want me like that anymore."

"Shh, baby," Adam murmurs, kissing Tommy. Adam knows exactly how Tommy feels, because it mirrors his own wants, his own worries, his own pain. "I'll always want you like that," Adam promises. "Always."

Tommy nods and presses their mouths together again, and Adam spends long, endless minutes kissing Tommy, rediscovering just how Tommy likes to be kissed, what makes him moan and whimper. Eventually, their mouths part, but they stay close together so they can share the same breath. "I don't care what I have to do to be with you," Adam tells him. "Maybe it was the right thing when we broke up because we both needed to be on our own for a while, but that's in the past. I'm thinking of my future now, and as long as you're there with me, everything else is just unimportant details."

Tommy blinks rapidly, and Adam thinks he must be pushing tears away. "I want to move here with you," he says.

Adam smoothes Tommy's hair back, tucking some behind his ear. "Are you sure? I know you love California."

"And you love New York," Tommy counters. "And you have a career here."

"I can have a career anywhere. You're more important."

Tommy smiles, reaching out and trailing two of his fingertips over the curve of Adam's jawline. "I'd almost forgotten how sweet you are," he teases lightly, fond amusement shining in his eyes.

"You better get used to it quickly, baby," Adam says, turning his head so he can kiss Tommy's curious fingers. "Cause I'm going to whisper sweet-nothings in your ear to make you blush, wine and dine you every night, cuddle you to keep you warm."

Tommy laughs and hugs Adam tightly, burying his face in Adam's chest. "I want that. I want that."

Adam rests his head on top of Tommy's, blinking back his own tears. He squeezes Tommy. "And you'll have it."

"I will," Tommy says, lifting his head, "because I have a job right here in New York."

"What?" Adam's eyes widen and he looks down at Tommy. Tommy has a job? Here? It'll be that easy to be together?

"Yeah," Tommy says, rubbing the back of his neck. "That's where I went yesterday after lunch, to an interview. I mean, I did visit my friend Isaac, but I also had an interview."

"And they offered you the job?"

Tommy grins. "Yep. They want me to start next Monday, right here in New York City. Now I just need somewhere to live… Do you think you can help me with that?"

Tommy words trail off, and a huge smiles breaks out on Adam's face. Adam wants to yell, cry, cheer, something to get out all the overwhelming feelings that are bombarding him. As it is, Adam decides the best course of action is to kiss Tommy again, and he grabs Tommy around the waist, practically hauling him off the chair. Tommy laughs again, wrapping his legs around Adam's waist, locking them together. 

Adam's more than okay with that arrangement, running his fingers up and down Tommy's spine. "You'll live with me," he says imperiously, and Tommy raises an eyebrow. 

"Is that right?" Tommy asks, sounding amused. "Will I have my own bedroom?"

"Nope," Adam says cheerfully. "You'll have to share with me. That's not a problem, is it?"

Tommy is serious when he softly says, "No, not a problem," and kisses Adam again. 

It's like neither of them can stop kissing each other now that they are able to again, not that Adam ever wants to stop kissing Tommy. He could do it forever, and he plans on doing just that. Every little moan that Tommy gives, every little pleasured murmur goes straight to Adam's heart and makes him fall deeper in love. Adam accomplished a lot in the three years they were apart and he likes to think that he did a little maturing too, but none of it means as much to him as Tommy does. Their relationship will only be stronger now, and Adam doesn’t think anything will be able to tear them apart again. This is forever, and the thought makes a sense of peace wash over him, a sense of contentment like nothing Adam's ever felt.

"Whoa! Sorry to interrupt, lovebirds."

At nearly the exact same moment, he and Tommy jump apart and break their kiss from the shock, turning their heads to see Tony in front of the espresso machine, looking like he just rolled out of bed. He's grinning at them, and doesn't seem disturbed or upset at catching he and Tommy making out in Brad and Steve's kitchen.

"Oh, don't let me stop you," Tony says, waving a hand. He's still grinning. "Looks like you two are having a good morning."

Adam exchanges a glance with Tommy, and his heart melts at the small, happy smile Tommy gives him. 

"We are having a good morning," Adam tells Tony, but he doesn't take his eyes off Tommy's.

"A very good morning," Tommy finishes, and there's no help for it: Adam has to kiss him again. Tommy opens for it immediately, moaning into his mouth, and once again Adam doesn't know how he ever lived without Tommy, without being able to feel Tommy's body and lips pressed against his own. Never again, and that's a promise Adam intends to keep.

Adam vaguely hears Tony's answering laughter and cheerful parting, "Have fun!" but Adam doesn't pay him any attention. He has more important things to focus on, like making Tommy deliriously happy, memorizing how Tommy fits in his arms, giving Tommy more pleasure than he's ever dreamed of, and erasing any doubts Tommy may still have about the depth of Adam's feelings and his commitment. And if it takes Adam the rest of his life to accomplish those all those things… Well, Adam can't think of a better or more enjoyable way to spend his life.

Adam's already looking forward to it, and he smiles against Tommy's lips. It's going to be amazing.

**END**


End file.
